03 August 2009 @ 02:06 am
I do not know myself anymore.
I cannot help but feel that there are at least two persons sharing my mind... or... the space inside me... and neither of them is me. I've no explanation as to who I am, but neither the weeping wraith nor the outwardly-ordinary ... girl, woman, whatever I might be seen as... is truth.
I do not know where to start looking, or even if I should.
Can I be happy without a way to define the being I represent?
Current Mood: 
lost
01 December 2008 @ 10:03 pm
I never knew I could love another person as much as I have always loved my brother, but coming home and having Gwen there feels just as right. She carries a warmth I've not felt from anyone else, and wraps me up in herself whenever I need it, or even if I just want to be near her. She loves me and doesn't fear saying it, though I imagine few enough beside Trist, myself, and her own brother have ever heard such from her. As from Trist, it only makes the voicing mean more.
Nothing is yet certain, but Joscelin and I have done a bit of plotting, and with a bit further I believe we shall engineer a wedding. Trist and Gwen will have the lives they each deserve, full of love for each other and the family they'll make. The chimes of invisible laughter in the halls of Ivy's Run shadow me when I am at home... a little girl, at least. Gwen shall be the fiercest of all mamas, but no less soft and loving for it, I think.
Trist has made no mention of the visit we always pay to our own mamá at the holidays, and I wonder whether he means not to take me, or perhaps not to go at all himself. He was terribly cross with her at my birthday, and he is certainly stubborn enough to stay away yet. I think myself still not quite vicious enough to say that she deserves such; he is her only son, and I imagine she loves him as best she is able.
There remains only a term of school before I shall leave it forever, and for once I feel a flicker of direction along with my anxiety. I had not though to persue my music as more than a hobby, and still I feel no calling to the symphony, but I have made inquiries into a wizarding music education institute in Britain, and I suppose I may only wait to read my experience with the idea. Trist, for his part, seems rather pleased.
I imagine he should be... he'll be married soon, among other things.
Current Mood: 
warm
15 October 2008 @ 12:09 am
I nearly hesitate even to mention it, as I am wary of ruining my progress, but I have been sleeping. It seems almost as though my reflection ought to be more solid now, as I am more than the too-thin ghost of myself that has been present these past several weeks. I cannot even say that I have returned to myself, for I believe this is the most I have ever truly lived with my person. It is both wholly strange and surprisingly comfortable. This person that I apparently am is intriguing, though I do wonder if others have met her before I realized her existence. Perhaps I shall ask Tristan.
Some of my time with Vanessa has been spent discussing my future, a topic for which I increasingly feel I am missing a quantity of necessary research. I am not unintelligent, nor do I lack talent, but I still find myself with little to no concept or vision of my life after school. I had thought to follow something highly academic - Runes research or translation, but I seem not to know myself anymore, and this new inhabitant is rather uncertain of her aims. Vanessa seems to think this is normal.
I look forward to seeing Joscelin again; my owl was quite well-received, and he mentioned intention to visit. Tristan was reliably unenthusiastic about amending my list of allowed visitors, but did fulfill my request. I shall have to be especially sweet to him in return.
It hurts a bit, to still be so close with Luc when I know I must give him up eventually. Sooner rather than later, truly... I worry, too, that his keeping hold of me, for now, might prevent him from persuing someone who could be a proper wife to him, as he will need, but he assures me that such is not the case. Perhaps it is terribly selfish, but I am nearly able to will myself to believe him, despite the faint ache of anticipated separation.
I am no less a fool than anyone else.
Current Mood: 
contemplative
05 October 2008 @ 01:05 pm
I only left my bed once this week, that I know of. An improvement, although whether from sheer exhaustion or the handful of conversations I've had with Vanessa, I cannot yet say. I couldn't speak truthfully that our visits are easy - she asks few questions, unlike the man I was sent to as a child, with his incessant needling and demands until I felt I ought to have emerged with bruises, but that leaves me to talk, and I am never quite sure where I ought to begin, or where my thoughts may end up. She is patient, though.
I met a friend of Tristan's last night. A woman, so I'd thought not to enjoy the evening, as, save Gwen, I'd yet to encounter any woman in his attention who treated me much differently that his owl, or a pet dog, were he to have one. (I believe I should like to have a dog around; perhaps I shall ask as a school-leaving gift. I adore Lily, my bunny rabbit from Gwen, but she isn't the sort of pet that can follow me about companionably, as a dog, or perhaps an exceptionally social cat, might.) Miss Romilda Vane, auror, is surprisingly rather agreeable, and seemed genuinely pleased to hear me play. I find that I am glad to have offered and done so.
She is evidently acquainted with Gwen's brother, Joscelin. I think I shall make so bold as to owl him to say hello, as we've not met since Gwen's birthday, and I should very much like to see him. Even though I can scarcely breathe
I dreamt this morning that there were children in our house; small, earnest laughter in the halls of Ivy's Run. I doubt they've spoken much of it, yet, but Trist will be a wonderful Papa when it is time. I won't be his littlest one anymore, but I think by then I shant mind so much. It is beyond and below me to grudge any small thing of their making... I must only try to be a very good auntie. (I'm afraid whatever children they may have will be terribly spoiled, but I imagine there are worse things.)
Seeing them together still makes me feel a bit like glowing inside, almost the way their lights mingle when they are close and unmasked enough to allow it. Just thinking of that beautiful, warm calm makes me smile... I want to know that sort of love one day... to be sure of it above all things. For now, though, I borrow and share in their peace. I am content to know his happiness, and see it each time I see him.
Current Mood: happy
23 September 2008 @ 10:36 pm
I find my environs somewhat lonelier than that to which I have accustomed myself at school. I have Luc, and he is, as ever, the most darling of fellows, but aside from the girls I've made acquaintances of in the past several years, to whom I could not consider myself particularly close, I have arrived at a juncture where there are few around me in whom I may confide, or even simply engage in a conversation. Perhaps I am merely terribly spoiled now by all the doting lavished during the summer months, but I rather wish for a girlfriend with whom all the daily little secrets might be shared.
I fear Gwen's presence may have made me social.
A vast portion of my evenings are spent with Luc, naturally, and while not all of our time is verbal, as he's quite gifted in coaxing me to doze on him, we've had a number of talks, and I believe I am painting the outline of my portrait in this year, and will continue to see it appear as I make my way through time. Luc will be expected to marry when he leaves school; his family is very nearly as small as my own, and as the heir and male head of his mother's household, he must create security for her and his sisters. I am not ready to marry, nor do I expect to be, even when I've finished with school in June. Even were I, I am not material for a wife for him, fond as I may be. I have no concept of managing a household, of keeping my own and a family's affairs, and he shall need someone who is capable of both. We've agreed to continue on as we are, for now, comfortably, with the mutual understanding that June, should nothing change by then, shall be our parting. I am not wholly content with this, but calm. I will miss him.
This Friday past, I may have met the head healer counselor, as she insists, that I will continue seeing. She is very... solid. It is comforting, and she struck me as quite open-minded, which I imagine will be necessary, as only occasional segments of my own mind are regimented in a way that other people understand. I've not ever known what it is that makes my thinking so difficult to follow; perhaps it is another of my locks to be found, that a key might be hunted. If I return, I am to call her Vanessa.
Current Mood: calm
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worried